Submission 10

Comedian Bio

Jeremy Sheer has been the dirtiest comic in Ohio since his debut in 2005. He co hosts podcasts Let The Hate Flow Through You and The Ad Hominem Attack Show, co produces a monthly roast battle show and a monthly stand up showcase, and he tours with sketch group Sad Boys Social Club. Jeremy has opened for Doug Stanhope, Aparna Nancherla and Bob Levy.

Story

I thought I was a good judge of character. I had built a solid circle of friends that had lasted years. I had the privilege of being filled with genuine love and respect for the people I worked with. I had rooms that were my personal playground for a constant stream of new material where I could work out in front of audiences without letting them know a lot of the jokes they were hearing were new. I even had women approaching me for sex after shows - and I am not a handsome man. I had free drugs, free drinks and free love. Yes I was banned from two comedy clubs and the Improv wouldn't work with me because I was too dirty, but I still packed away enough cash doing indie shows that it didn't matter. I had it together, until one day I didn't. She had a loud laugh that didn't always match up with the punchlines and a thirst for liquor that amplified this laugh tenfold. She loved me, and she went to great ends to prove it. She broke into my apartment while I was at work and cleaned it. She'd show up unannounced with a home cooked meal. She'd drive me to the far reaches of the world just to have a chance to hold me at the end of the night. But I didn't love her. I loved the attention, but I had been in a serious relationship for six years and wasn't ready for another one. She noticed the other women at shows clinging to me like she did. She noticed the calls and texts were all one sided. She broke it off, it was for the best. But she didn't stop coming to shows. Seeing me still doing what it is I do with no ill consequences after her exit from my life infuriated her. She got fall down drunk a lot. Venue owners gave me the stink eye. It was my problem. I caused this. I should take care of it. I tried the best I could, but I couldn't love her to make her stop. One night, I was doing a show at one of my regular haunts. She showed up, and drank herself loopy as per usual. This time, she walked over to me, said hello, and fell over. This happened again and again until the bartender told me to take care of it. She was there to see me, it was my problem. So, I took her to her car so I could drive her back to my place. There was no other option I could think of. She told me she needed food to take with her meds. Those meds that you're not supposed to drink on that you take with food, those meds. The ones that treat the schizo-affective disorder I knew about. I drove her to a Sheetz to get food. She tried to take her clothes off and go inside. Somehow, I managed to convince her to keep her clothes on and stay in the car. I came back with a sandwich, there was no recognition left in her eyes. "Where are we going? Who are you? Are we friends? What's going on?" Different voice, different cadence, different girl was talking to me. I responded trying to soothe this new, younger passenger I had. We were going to my place so she could take her meds. We're friends, you've been here before, you can take your clothes off once we get there. I managed to keep her calm and got her inside so she could take her meds and eat. My basement apartment only had a couch, there was nowhere else for me to sleep so I decided she could sleep with me. She was going to pass out, no big deal. She'd wake up in the morning and wonder what happened, I'd tell her, life would go on. She took her meds, she took off her clothes, we went to sleep. I woke up inside her. There was nothing earlier in the night leading up to it, just fell asleep taking care of a drunk girl having a dissociative episode, woke up having sex with her. She looked down at me and said, "why are you so sad?" I didn't respond. Our previous time together had taught me enough to be scared. So I was. I froze, my body went through the motions of doing what it's supposed to in that situation, and I went back to sleep. She was gone in the morning. I went to the shower and cried. I went to work and cried. She texted. I told her what happened. I asked her to leave me alone. It took a couple years, but she did. In those couple of years, I screamed about it, I tried to push it under the rug, I tried to use it as fodder for jokes at my expense. Nothing made me feel better. I pushed the attention away. It didn't work. I took more drastic measures and stopped brushing my teeth. The suitors stopped calling then. I could relax. All it took was a smile and no one could hurt me again. That incident was six years ago. My front six teeth have all but rotted out of my face. I had panic attacks in the shower until I started treatment. I relived the night again when I dropped acid to celebrate MLK day, and found the root of my problem. I let someone in and they hurt me. Now, no one gets in.